ndiecity:

weirdness-is-good:

yeehawlw:

I would also swear off guys if Michael Cera creampied me.

nokiabae:

the watchmojo voice lady stopped me from ending it all

nor-fucking-mani:

swansong321:

glumshoe:

casual-derg:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

cipheramnesia:

glumshoe:

My cat has ice cream prescience.

I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know how she reads my intent so clearly.

When I walk to the kitchen to get a popsicle or thaw a slice of banana bread or warm up some mango slices, she doesn’t care. She stays on her chair and waits patiently.

But when I walk to the kitchen to scoop myself a bowl of ice cream, she’s at my heels SHRIEKING by the time I turn on the light. She knows. She’s not smelling it, she’s not hearing me say ‘ice cream’, she’s not accustomed to some predictable pattern because I rarely eat ice cream.

But she fucking figures out before I even reach the refrigerator. It’s the only human food she asks for, and I have to give her a small tithe of it to keep her from shredding the skin from my legs and popping my eardrums. She’s terrifying.

Registering the unique “ice cream gait”, try walking without rhythm so the cat will not be able to track your movements.

But what if it’s not my Ice Cream Groove… what if I excuse pheromones of Ice Cream Intent?

There have to be ways to thwart her Ice Cream Knowledge. Perhaps I will have to trick myself into believing that I’m actually getting up to thaw leftovers, and then I’ll start exuding Leftover Intent pheromones.

I DID IT!

I got up to make myself a cup of tea, thought Tea Thoughts, and then at the last moment I filled my tea cup with ice cream instead of tea.

My cat didn’t even notice. She didn’t smell it, or pester me while I was eating, or come running and yodeling her need when I opened the freezer.

I am free.

What happens if you think about ice cream while getting something else?

I just tested this. I got up thinking Ice Cream Thoughts, and by the time I got to the kitchen, guess who was at my heels meowing?

hey op your cat is psychic

feetpicdealer:

my brain hearing a song from 1970: song.

my brain hearing a song from 2012: holy fuck this is an old song. it’s such an old song. I am listening to an old song. it has been many years

fagheart:

rigb0ner:

Solidarity 🤝

crows-curios:

l0nelyz0mbie:

My last brain cell is heart shaped

Im might be a fool but oh dang am i full of love!

deserttigermuarim:

sodomymcscurvylegs:

sodomymcscurvylegs:

lil-lit-bit:

cryingexercises:

sodomymcscurvylegs:

Me, in Ancient Greece, tying my sandals and pretending I don’t know that swan checking me out is Zeus:

me, an ancient greek, knowing that some thot is about to send hera on another murderous rampage

Me knowing the baby zeus just put in her is gonna have a hellish life because she got thotty with Hera’s man

Originally posted by moan-s

I’m a dude, LMAO. :p

It has come to my attention in the notes that Zeus’ monster thundercock would probably still get me pregnant anyway, and you know what? You’re absolutely right!

Me, going to Mount Olympus to pick up my alimony checks from Hera, cause Zeus is out being a thot with someone else after I moved on to some cute, horny Satyr:

Hera smiting you as soon as you appear there:

conjunxs:

you should never date someone for the sake of dating someone. you should be good friends, if not best friends with your partner. if you cant go to your partner for personal advice, if youre afraid to call your partner out on something, if you cant laugh and have fun with your partner, or if your conversations are only ever performative affection, you don’t have a good relationship

sejci:

tumblr has given us No Nut November 2: The Reckoning

recentgooglesearches:

how to determine the gender of my nipples